The world's changing and for once I can follow and see what's going on in the world. A story which is of particular interest is Egypt. The people have won and Mubarak has resigned. I have lived in the Middle East and know that democracy is a precarious model and situation. The dictatorships can act as a safeguard against fundementalism but at what cost? Clearly, the people want freedom, democracy and a transparent society. How they reach that and whether it comprises the relative freedom offered by a secular society, I will follow with interest.
I am trying to follow the news. It keeps me focussed and gives some perpective. For me, I want to be informed and up to date. Plus, it gives me other things to talk about other than this bloody operation.
There is perhaps a mini revolution going on inside me. It's difficult to explain and I heard about this from an outside perspective. This relates to the depression and the general feeling of uselessness which is going on right now. Earlier, I contacted the Employers Assistance Programme (EAP). This is a helpline to help employees living abroad who are going through difficult times. Like me. I called them and yes, found some administrative stuff quite irritating and also using Skype has plenty of disadvantages too. The line isn't too clear and I kept on getting cut off. Hardly the optium conditions for opening my heart which as I mentioned before is hard at the best of times. I think and I sincerely hope they can support me. I'm not sure what they can do and finding face to face counselling in Mexico City can be a challenge given my physical limitations and in addition, language. I'm not exactly comfortable with expressing my feelings in English and certainly I am far from able to do this in Spanish where most of my adjectives are positive ones which don't reflect my feelings at the best of times.
Later, after this quite stressful phone call which I'm still trying to figure out was it the Skype connection or me pushing myself out of the comfort zone, I talked briefly with my mum. Though, I did something not so nice. She phones me daily. Sometimes, I really have nothing to say and don't really want to talk. Obviously, she wants to be there for me and it's clearly frustrating that she can't and I hope she's not too upset that I declined call from Skype.
Some friends came round. Again, I wasn't sure how much of the mask should I reveal. I erred on the side of caution and kept it on. Sometimes, it's easier that way. When I was alone with Andrew, I let him know that I contacted the EAP whilst in the supermarket. He's happy for me and sees this as a positive sign that I am addressing issues and seeing that psychological wellbeing is essential for a full recovery.
Now, Anna came later to help with the visit from the IMSS doctor. You know, the usual procedure of her visiting me to see if I'm sick and then to sign a cheque which is my payment. Before the doctor arrived, I admitted to Anna that I'd contacted the EAP and then the floodgates opened and didn't stop. The doctor arrived which cut short or temporarily delayed my outpouring but at least I could discuss with her my feelings both mental and physical. This may have some implications about my length of leave from work. It could be extended by 2 weeks. The thought is quite scary and yes, there are strong feelings of loneliness and boredom impending would that counteract the feelings of stress of returning to work?
The doctor left and we were free. Anna told me something which vocalised what I was thinking but didn't dare address. There are some fundemental changes going on. She said previously, I had built barriers and walls. This is very true. Act tough, be hard and be the cool chick to hang out with but don't let people get close or see me. It's been my survival tactic for quite a long while. It seems that the barriers are crumbling slowly and perhaps painfully but it's still there. In a weird way, by what I see as weak perhaps then I'm being stronger. The quandry is will I be back to myself or does the surgery mean some changes to my personality and for the better?
Of course, I miss me. That's a hard thing to come to terms with and it's permnamently etched on my mind. How 'me' will emerge post operation is another point and one which like the world news, I will observe with great interest.
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