Sorry, yet another self centred post about the dark thoughts of Liz. Anyway, I hope this helps anyone who is going through the same process.
Having time is a luxury for me. Usually, I don't have a lot with work, with friends or with other things that I do. I am now learning that time can be an enemy and can provoke the odd crisis. I've been thinking a lot and perhaps too much. I'm concerned that my passion for life has gone down the toilet but was it there anyway?
I'm pondering the usual questions of existence like whether I am changing the lives of others and would such aspirations be idealistic. Have I let myself down? Am I an activist in thoughts but not in deeds?
My question is are such thoughts leading to a change in life or is it simply that I've stopped and given myself some much needed time. Or is having the luxury of time and space to think is confusing and destructive?
Time will tell when I get caught up in the so called rat race next week. I've had a chat with my manager about returning to work. The target is Monday the 28th of February. I've been awake with anxiety about a whole plethora of issues along with others. She has promised a lot of support and I've promised to be honest. If the tasks get too much or too overwhelming, then it's fine. I'm just concerned about short term memories and perhaps not being open enough myself that sometimes, I won't be able to cope. I just need to keep on with the mantra that strenght can manifest itself in very different ways and not just that of 'getting on with it'. Let's hope that I can do it.
My friend Elsa's also off work so we had time to meet up and hang out. Another person who spends far too much time at the desk and not enough time for herself. She's had her tonsils out so can't swallow. I'm not able to have sex or at least such a thing would be risky. Her joke is that we would make a terrible pair of prostitutes right now.
I broke down in her car. A few things made me feel pretty fragile and yes, the tears came. I hated it but then I realised that actually it's OK. I really appreciated the honesty of the conversation though. Her mum has also had a hysterectomy and understands that to say 'Are you better?' isn't necessarily the best question. In fact, it could be one of the worst. I'm answering positively to please others and this is not a reflection of how I really feel. She apologised that some of her thoughts were negetive but to be honest, the positive spin on events has begun to grate. This links in with a comment from a friend whose husband died suddenly last year. He was in his 40's. She told me that people have said to her a lot over the last year that everything happens for a reason. My first thoughts are 'What a cliche! People are just saying words because they don't know what to say.' Then, I really liked the next comment that she is still looking for the reasons and in the meantime, she's going to enjoy life. Basically, to rationalise the irrational is destructive. I cannot compare our two situations but she's right. There are no reasons why these things happened to us.
Once I got all my feelings out of my system, we had a lovely evening. The usual things like laiughing at websites, talking about men, laughing at the losers on Craig's List looking for love. Maybe this is what I needed. A good evening far away from my flat and my thoughts. Laughing and not looking for reasons or answers to any of the above questions.
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