If someone made a wurdle of this blog, apart from 'I' (may I apoloise now for my narcissm), the most commonly used word could be 'back'. The analogy or metaphor could be going back to somewhere where I was before. Right now, my feelings are that I'm returning from a long and pretty arduous journey which is pretty disimiliar from most of my backpacking adventures. This one has been a whole new and different experience and one probably not to be repeated. Well, you only have a hysterectomy once and for a good reason. The least of which that it's medically impossible.
My next huge step was returning to work. And yes, this was relatively speaking a massive step. I found my previous leaps were going to the park; washing up; cooking dinner and getting drunk. Oh yes, and one more today was going to the market unaccompanied. My main fear is carer's fatigue. My counsellor thinks that this is in my head. It might very well be. I certainly had a case of 'asking for care fatigue' so did it on my own. Sod the consequences. Actually, it wasn't too bad but a slight pulling on my scar and feeling irritable at those trying to sell their wares. No more than my usual Sunday hangover though.
The afternoon was lovely despite feeling emotionally fragile over a few things...well one thing but that's for me to sort out and not something for a public blog. You'd only think I was being neurotic. Anna invited me round for drinks on the roof and with the booze I'm making up for lost time. Probably too much but there was a lot on my mind which needs a little bit of numbing right now. Sometimes, I wish they put a bit too much anaesthetic in my brain and not in my left thigh (which still has a weird post dentist feeling).
Before I sleep, I'll write a list of:
My post op recovery period achievements
1. Wrote this blog...and am pretty overwhelmed by the supportive comments I've recieved. I am so happy that people have actually read it and as long as it supports someone somewhere, then objective achieved.
2. Watched some films including Oscar winning 'The King's Speech' and 'Black Swan'. Courtesy of private viewings from the private collection.
3. Reconnected with good friends from the past
4. Vegan cooking experiments galore...new life plan?
5. Lost 4 kgs though that sounds very pro ana
Post recovery things I should've done but didn't
1. More reading....oops! Well, my brain was scrambled for a while
2. Learn more Spanish...had problems thinking in English most of the time. Failed to read 'The Little Prince' in Spanish.
3. Devise a revolution or at least support a friend with this aim
4. Sleep a lot...it was great at the start but anxiety got in the way of that one
5. Find out my life purpose and goals.
6. Help a friend with IELTS...he's busy, mind you so no point beating myself up over that one
7. Sorting out my CD collection...yes, just realised my collection is a total mess and it was on the 'to do list'
8. Organise my book collection (see above)
And in true Fishwick style..and to prevent a nasty and badly timed bout of insomnia, here's my back to work worry list.
1. The emails!!! There will be 100's of them...crap
2. Will I cry at an inappropriate time?
3. How will I cope with work clothes? I'm not comfortable with them at the best of times and now I've got a delightful slash on my stomach and I've dropped a clothes size. Forgot to buy safety pins to hold my trousers together. Bugger.
4. Have I been rendered useless?
5. What's my bloody password?
6. Financial year...no, I didn't put in some claims. Shit
7. My performance plan...none of it done. Oops
8. Am I going to keep my job for another year?
9. Do I indeed like my job?
10. What are my priorities anyway?
My god...there are many, many more. I don't wish to bore anyone with more of my concerns and worries. It could be be like facing a cold pool for a swim. It always seems far worse than it actually is..though that's a poor comparison. I have an aversion to cold water but you get my drift.
Time to sleep and I really hope I do sleep too.
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